Monday, June 2, 2008

And the Award for Most Improved goes to.....

Brandon! Everybody clap!!!


I guess I should preface this with a story about the first time I called Brandon after we met. It was evening, and he was in the bathtub at his Grandma's. I can maybe imagine that she might have been giving his back a good scrub down, because a man taking a bath is very strange to me. Especially when he tells me he takes one every night. Every woman I know says that a bath is a luxury. We rarely get to take them. But Brandon is a man who takes his bathing seriously.
Anyway, he has always done this. Cameron and Eamon took 9 months to conceive. The last pregnancy only took 6, woo hoo... We didn't know why it took so long, but whatever.... So after I had a miscarriage a year and a half ago, my sister-in-law Sara told me that a hot bath was terrible on a man's fertility. I kind of suspected that already, but this was like the little push I needed to get serious about it. I told him he needed to stop taking his hot baths, and that maybe they were why it took us so long to get pregnant in the first place. Long story short, he would not. And yes, maybe a lot of it was him getting back at me for being a bad wife or housekeeper. Whatever...

But after many times of hearing him say, "Hey, we have 2 kids, it can't be me" or "How do you know it's not you?" and one LONG a$$ year going by, I finally had an exam by my OB-GYN. Brandon then agreed to have a semen analysis, as suggested by my doctor. Can I just tell you the results were DEPRESSING....
His fertility score of 6 was almost the lowest it could be.
25-30=normal, 16-24=moderate, less than 15=low.
So would 6=the lowest of the low?


Can I just tell you that Brandon stopped the baths that day!!?

The test suggested reasons, and one was a varicose vein of the testicle, sometimes incurred through trauma. Could Brandon think of a time when he had experienced trauma to the testicle? YES, at least a couple of occasions skating on rails actually. So here was our probable answer. Brandon isn't too keen on having a surgery to remove this vein, and I can't blame him. His doctor suggested laying off the hot baths for 3 months to rule that out as well, and maybe they were what was exacerbating the problem of the varicose vein. Do you follow? Do you want to follow? Sorry.

So like a good boy (and like most of the human race), Brandon has been taking showers all spring. Every time I hear the shower going, it's like a love letter written just for me.

Fast forward 3 months. I had written us off as a low-fertility couple. I was going to call my doctor to ask what the procedure is for artificial insemination and when could we get started. I had resigned myself. The nurse from his doctor's office calls today and I say, "Oh, you have the test back already? What does it say?"

"He's at a 30 fertility score, which is the highest it goes."


I wanted to ask her if Brandon's test had been switched with someone else's...I didn't. So I called Brandon and let him read the fax of the results before I said anything. He read it and was shocked as well. I said, "How do you feel?"

"Happy."

"And...." (I'm waiting for it)

"Excited," and I can hear the smile on his face.

"And....How else do you feel..." (still waiting)

"Um, proud....?"

"What about guilty?"

"Nope."

Almost conclusive medical proof of him being a selfish bas*&$# and he has nothing to say to me....About me being right all along. About how sorry he is for putting me through H-E-double hockey sticks for a year. About how I'm always right and how he wants nothing more than to apologize with flowers and back rubs and staying away from his car for one night. I'm still waiting...

I think I'm still not excited. I'm still in shock over all of this crap. It's crazy stuff.

(By the way, I received permission to post this)

26 comments:

Omgirl said...

First, does Brandon know you discussed his testicle in so much detail on the world wide web? And secondly, I'll have to tell you K's semen analysis story some time. Pretty funny. Anyway, yay for fixing the problem. Now go get knocked up!

Sally said...

What a weiner of a post. I got so turned on reading that! Good luck. I'll be thinking of you tonight. :)

Kacy said...

Okay you are seriously the only person on this planet that would post their spouses sperm count on a blog. Jason would be hiding for the rest of his life if I had posted something like that. You are hilariously funny. So about 6 weeks and their should be an annoucement. LOL

Lil Swimmers said...

I'm so proud of my boys...sniff sniff.

Dan & Adie Wright said...

So how long till we hear some big news from you? You guys better get busy and make up for lost time. And thanks for the 'bathtub kills sperm' tip; I'm making Dan take a burning hot bath every night..

TheShippenFamily said...

With your hot new hair style and Brandons high count I expect to hear news soon!

Brenda said...

The "everytime I hear the shower running it's like a love letter", made me pee a little. In an effort to be sympathetic to your fertility trials, can I just say that cracked me up? But, they always see how right we were in the end. Have fun tonight, and Brandon, if you're reading this, bring home flowers and massage oil. Trust me.

Jenny Shutan said...

Just stumbled upon your blog from Mcmommy. too funny!

Jenny Shutan said...

thanks for the tidbits..my sister has told me to do a variation of what you said about comforting Will and then putting him back in his crib. Something has got to give, I will give it a try.

Liz said...

Nothing is greater than coming to your blog, I was so moved reading about his testicle problem.
Good luck and I hope that you have some really good news in the future.

MommyTime said...

Found you from McMommy. This is a great story -- and I'm happy for you that things are looking up.

trying said...

hmm i agree with you a guy in a tub is a little odd. of course a guy showering with a bunch of other guys in an open squad bay is also weird and mine has done that more times then he cares to remember (hes a marine in his defense).

good luck getting knocked up!! this by the way was a hilarious read!

Heather said...

Way to funny! Interesting to find out that hot baths can reduce sperm count. I do believe my hubby will be taking baths from now on!

American Mum said...

Who can resist a good sperm story? Glad you guys are back on track!

Mamasphere said...

I have never ONCE gotten a, "Sorry, you were right." from my husband. It would cause his head to spin and fall off. I have to take my satisfaciton in just knowing that I was right, and that he knows that.

Sum Sum said...

Cara, you freaking rock...I am going to make Jon read your blog and tell him a big fat "I told you so!!!!"
I loved it!!!

McMommy said...

Sperm. You seriously blogged about your husband's sperm.
I think you just took your love to the next level.
How romantical.

Jen said...

My husband used to be a bath guy before we were married. His mom's house didn't have a shower (weird, I know). I had no idea how much of an impact taking a bath had on sperm count. Interesting!

mommypie said...

BAHAHA! So, I FINALLY got myself over here to read the sperm post -- TOO freakin' funny. Do you think he'll go back to the baths once the deed's done?

tim & brandi said...

This blog has left me speechless...but, I agree, you deserve an apology, and a massage.

~b

Blessings From Above said...

You are hilarious!

I think posting your husbands sperm count on the Internet is payback enough for taking so many baths!

I can only imagine the pranks his coworkers could play on him with these sperm count reports. Company newsletters, wallpaper for the elevators...the possibilities are endless!

FrankNApril said...

A baby Soon? April

dayna said...

i'm reading this saying to myself that i can't believe you are publishing all the sensitive news, but then seeing 'permission granted' at the end, and i am happy to see your good news. i think i would have the same satisfaction of being right. glad all is right in the world for you!

Christine said...

You seriously crack me up. I love how open you are. I'm glad that you got things figured out.

BulldogMama said...

Thanks for the smile! I know exactly what you mean. Right now my husband and I are struggling with an issue he won't get resolved. I've made recommendations but alas I'm the woman and he's the caveman. He must fix this. I must watch as he beats on his chest! I'm waiting and growing cob webs. Maybe I should get him to read this.......thanks!

*jimaie.marie* said...

how? why? how did i never read this!?! LOL!! i am speechless and I LOVE it. this post is hilariousness.